THEY CHEATED ON ME!!!!!!

So many of you have been waiting for us to address this topic. We wanted to be VERY sensitive so decided to blog about it....this go round.  There are so many of you out there that are suffering silently with this 10 letter word:  I-N-F-I-D-E-L-I-T-Y!!! So let's just dig right in.  First off, infidelity is running rampant not just in the African-American culture or the Caucasian culture or the Hispanic culture or the Asian culture: affairs, adultery, infidelity, or however you choose to phrase it is an epidemic in our world and society as a whole.  But let me add this disclaimer: THERE IS NOTHING NEW UNDER THE SUN!! So where today the term may be phrased "side chick", "side", "main chick", "side piece",  or "side kick"; decades ago it was simply termed "mistress".  The terms nor the label neither add or take away from the reality of the situation: your spouse is or has (at some point or another) cheated on you.  The dire question many of you are asking is: where do we go from here? If you have children, the question may be, "Do we stay together and make it work because we want to keep our family together?" or if your children are grown and out of the house, you may say "Well, they are grown. We have raised our children and they turned out great. It's time to say goodbye to this marriage." Or if you are married with no children, it may seem especially easy to walk away simply because there are no other lives involved and you can (so you feel) easily start over and begin a new life.

Now, all of these reasons may very well be valid reasons to leave. And if you are reading this and have already walked away from your marriage (which biblically you have the right according to Matthew 19:9-11 where Jesus says, "vs 9.And I tell you this, whoever divorces his wife and marries someone else commits adultery - unless his wife has been unfaithful. vs 10 Jesus' disciples then said to him, "If this is the case, it is better not to marry!" vs 11 "Not everyone can accept this statement," Jesus said. "Only those whom God helps.") I pray you find solace and healing in your decision and wish you God's absolute best moving forward.

But if you are the man or woman that has decided to stay (for various reasons) and fight for your marriage, let's dig a little deeper at your decision and how to heal and MOVE ON! There are a few very important things that you absolutely HAVE to do if you are working to heal your marriage and move on.

1. FORGIVE!!! - Forgiveness begins with a DECISION. Many of us think we have to feel a certain way before we can forgive our spouse. But the fact is, your mind is the master of every component of your life.  Many decisions we make in life (i.e. going back to school, getting married, having children, buying a car or home) all start with a thought.  Then the actions follow. You pick up the phone and call the admissions rep, you begin courting your future spouse, you have sex or get off of contraceptives in order to get pregnant, you begin car or house shopping. None of those things happen without you first thinking of them first. It is absolutely no different with forgiveness. If you have made the decision to stay, you have to now make the decision to forgive. You may still be hurting, angry, bitter, and down right resentful. But take the first step so that you can then begin the healing process and move forward to the next step in having a healed and prosperous marriage.

2.SEEK OUTSIDE HELP!!! - Now this may be tough for some because there are so many dynamics to your feelings, your embarrassment, your spouses feelings, etc. But in order to not only forgive but HEAL and seek wisdom for the dynamics of your situation (i.e. why your spouse cheated, what led to it, their internal feelings on the matter, how to move forward, etc) you are going to need some mediation. Don't allow pride, hurt, bitterness, and FEAR keep you from seeking Godly wisdom which could be a key component to salvaging your marriage. So many people suffer silently for years and are stuck in a horrible marriage because they are too prideful to seek help. 

3. WORK IT OUT!!! - When trust is lost in ANY relationship but especially a marriage, it can take months and sometimes YEARS to re-build. But if you and your spouse have decided to make it work, you have to WORK IT OUT. You must come up with a system and a plan to make sure this doesn't happen again. You need accountability partners (i.e. - a TRUSTWORTHY pastor, counselor, marriage coach, chaplain, etc). Someone you can go talk to when you are feeling guilty about your past, vulnerable, or even frustrated. You also need to REVERSE whatever got you to this point. So if you need to delete your social media accounts, change your email and phone numbers, heck, some of you may need to FIND A NEW JOB or request a transfer!! (many affairs start in the work place), DO IT!!!

4. PRAYER!!! - You are going to have to spend a lot of time in prayer and meditation on what it is you are feeling, experiencing, and expecting moving forward in regards to your marriage.  You are going to have to trust in the Lord with ALL your heart and lean not on your own understanding. Let Him heal your broken heart and give you a new one.  I promise you He will if you allow Him to have complete control.

5.AFFIRM!!! - This last one just may be one of my favorite steps!! YOU ARE GOING TO SPEAK LIFE BACK INTO YOUR MARRIAGE!!! Now, if you have experienced infidelity (emotional or sexual), an affair, or ANY form of adultery, 9.99999 times out of 10, your marriage has become lifeless and dull. But the great news is that YOU have the POWER to speak LIFE back into it.  It's now time to AFFIRM, AFFIRM, AFFIRM. Affirm your husband or wife, your marriage and what you expect to see RIGHT NOW in your marriage. Never mind your spouse has acted a plum fool, or you are upset beyond description, if you are still standing, there is life that needs to be spoken. Here's an assignment for you, grab a big piece of construction paper and write out every single thing you desire to have in your marriage. For example: "My husband's heart belongs to the Lord and he has eyes for only me." (I got that from Rev. Run btw lol) or "My wife is a queen and I will treat her as such" or "My spouse is the king/queen of my life and I am 100% devoted to her"

Do you see the pattern here? It does not matter what you SEE. You have the power to create what you desire. So, I hope these 5 steps bless you and we want to know of your progress so feel free to email us at marriagemaintenance@hotmail.com We love you and are always wishing you the best!

Ronnie and Shea

xo

P.S. - Step #5 is an EVERYDAY THING!! This is not just a here or there task. This is a continual process of what you MUST DO!! And do not negate these affirmations by speaking negatively in the heat of a confrontation!!

Broken Hearted

"For this people's heart has grown dull, and with their ears they can barely hear, and their eyes they have closed, lest they should see with their eyes and hear with their ears and understand with their heart and turn, and I would heal them." Matt. 5:17-18 (ESV)

So your spouse has reeeaalllyyy outdone themselves this time. You're pissed, they're pissed. You're hurt, their hurt.  You literally have no idea how you two are going to bounce back from this one. You feel like the love is gone, the trust is gone, the romance is gone, things are just a hot mess!!! Does any of this sound familiar?  I know, I've been there too. 

So often we subconsciously (some of us consciously) keep record and a tally of how much we have been hurt by our spouse. We say we forgive, but when another argument or disagreement arises, we bring up every single thing our spouse has ever done to us. We literally keep score of who has been hurt the most and the worst! Aren't you glad we don't serve a God like that?  The problem with this is that we are literally causing one of the worst destructions of any kind when we do this.  A downward spiral that can lead to that big "D" word we DID NOT sign up for when we said our "I Do's". We are causing ourselves to have a hardened heart. A hardened heart can be one of the biggest detriments to any relationship, especially a marriage.  When your heart is hardened, it leads to much bigger issues: unforgiveness, bitterness, infidelity, rage, fear, and a number of other negative characteristics.  And this is not to mention some of the physical affects a hardened heart can have on your body.

The other detriment to having a hardened heart is that it causes you to walk around in offense. In essence you are walking around with a label that says, "YOU HURT ME AND NOTHING ELSE MATTERS." Being offended is a part of life, but a mentor of mine has a saying. She often uses the term "unmessablewith." In other words, you have to become so in control of your emotions that even when you are hurt, offended, and upset - even if it's justifiably so, you have mastered the art of controlling your emotions. You must learn how to "fight fair" and forgive. Do not hold on to offense. It is only a festering sore or ticking time bomb waiting to rear it's ugly head in your marriage. Learn to control what you think and speak. Affirm only that which you desire to see manifest in your life and marriage. And remember, the most powerful weapon you possess is the power of your words. Change your words and you have the power to shift the entire direction of your marriage.

Happy Shifting! 

Identity Crisis

"I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me." Philippians 4:13 (KJV)

Let's face it; we are all different. We look different, we act different, we sound different, and often times we have different things that we have to accomplish.  Yet, we have something that trumps all of our differences. It is our love for each other. Though our love is strong, there is still a part of us that seeks individuality.  It is so important that both husband and wife have their own identity. We have to remember why we fell in love with our spouse.   It was the attraction of being different from all the others.

Balance is an important factor in persevering your identity.  Sometimes we get so wrapped up in the daily routines of life, we forget to take the time to cultivate our individual mental, spiritual and social state. By not doing this for our self, we do our spouse a disservice. The beautiful thing about marriage is that there are so many make-ups of a marriage.  You have the love that you share, you have your family dynamic, you have your occupations and hobbies that you may share, and you have the glue that binds all of these components - God.  But what happens when you lose a sense of self, forgetting who you are? 

 When we think or feel that this journey of life is too strenuous to include time for our self, we are doing our self and our spouse a disservice. You must allot time to take care of yourself. Whether it's playing ball with the guy's, taking a jog, listening to music or maybe just watching the game; whatever it is, you must make time for yourself so you can be able to fulfill the many parts of your life. Remember balance is key to achieving a great marriage.

 

 

I Want A Divorce!!

"...but no human being can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison.  With it we bless our Lord and Father, and with it we curse people who are made in the likeness of God. From the same mouth come blessing and cursing. My brothers, these things ought not to be so. ^{James 3:8-11 (ESV)}

Last weeks blog titled "Do You Have A Keeper" was about affirming what you desire your marriage to look like.  After the honey moon, reality sets in and you begin seeing things in your spouse that you may not have noticed before.  There may be some secrets from the past, that have not been exposed or dealt with.  There may be some baggage that is being carried into your marriage. So, you have a choice to make.  Actually, you have a few choices you can make. You can A.) Complain and constantly speak negativity over your marriage. B.)You can remain silent and suffer, which will only lead to you eventually blowing up causing you to say and do things that you will later regret. or C.) Make a permanent, lasting decision to think and say only that which you desire to manifest.

Your thoughts and your words are the most powerful tools you possess. Your mind can manifest whatever it is that it meditates on.  Your words will manifest whatever your speak.  This is why it is essential to speak and think ONLY that which you desire.  This is why being double-minded is so crippling.  When you are double-minded and you constantly go back and forth between words and thoughts of blessing, and words and thoughts of negativity, you are setting yourself up for failure.  Not only will it take longer to manifest the positive things you are affirming, but you will also see  negative things manifest as well.

For example, if you say words like, "I love you." but during an argument with your spouse you say things like, "I hate you." or "I am so sick of this marriage." or "You make me sick." you are only releasing into the atmosphere a contradictory statement that will keep you stuck, frustrated, and miserable.  Speak only what you desire. But speaking is simply not enough. You must think, visualize, and consistently speak what you want to see in your marriage.

I personally have had to learn this the hard way.  In the beginning of my marriage, my favorite phrase was, "I want a divorce." I mean all the time.  It was as if it became my mantra.  I was insecure in so many areas, and it spilled into my marriage.  Can you guess what eventually happened? I was on the brink of divorce. Yes, me.  I wanted a divorce. My husband wanted a divorce. We were so over each other and our crappy marriage.  We had spoken so much death over our marriage (that is what divorce is, the death of a marriage), all the lovey dovey things we had spoken were no longer manifesting. 

"But you're still married?" you may ask.  Very happily, might I had.  We had to cancel the negative words we spoke over our marriage.  We had to begin speaking life over our relationship.  Even when we didn't want to.  Even when we didn't agree or were frustrated with each other.  And we are still doing it.  Again and again and again and again.  Over and over and over and over. Now, it is a lifestyle.  Yes, we are human. Yes, we disagree. But we know the power of our words.  If we don't want it, we don't speak it. We don't meditate on it. And neither should you!!! If you aren't happy with your marriage, spend the next 90 days speaking only positive things over your marriage, thinking only positive thoughts.  Affirm yourself and your spouse. And I guarantee you, you will see change. In the meantime, be the change you desire to see.

~SJ

Do You Have a Keeper?



^"Death and life are in the power of the tongue: and they that love it shall eat the fruit thereof." -Proverbs 18:21 (KJV)

Now we all have our child hood dream of what we desire our husband or wife to look like, be like, and treat us like.  "They're gonna be tall, dark, and handsome." or "She's gonna have a coke-bottle-Jessica Rabbit-bangin-body." The list goes on and on and on.  So...then you meet your king or queen, fall madly in love, get married and ....BAM, reality begins to set.  This honeymoon phase takes a back seat to the realities of what marriage is - or shall I say "marriage maintenance" is all about.  Now before you read any further, this blog is 100% authentic and REAL...so if you can not handle that, close the page now.

Ok, so...you get married, the sex is amazing...and FREQUENT, the relationship is wonderful, you are madly in love and your spouse can do absolutely no wrong. But then you wake up one day and you find yourself sleeping next to a monster. What happened? All of a sudden, you are aware of things about your spouse you have never seen before. Guess what? They were there all along, you just chose to ignore them because that love bug had you totally oblivious to all of your boo's flaws.  The only problem is: what do you do now? I mean, you're married now.  You can't pack their bags and send them packing.  You've made a covenant, you are married!!

Well, for starters, you need to understand that marriage is not for the weak or the faint.  Marriage is for the determined and the fighter.  In fact, marriage will cause the fighter in you to rise up that you did not even know existed.  I can remember the beginning years of my marriage.  There were some things about my husband that I absolutely didn't think could change or get better.  I didn't know what to do about it or how to handle it.  But after seeking wise counsel, emphasis on wise, I learned that through prayer and love, God has a way of showing you your flaws while working on your spouses at the same time.  Now let me add this disclaimer.  I am a firm believer that there is absolutely nothing too hard for God. However, I am not a professional counselor and I don't want to confuse anyone so: if you are in an abusive  situation (of any kind) , I am not talking to you.  If you are in an adulterous situation and have sought wise counsel and worked on fixing your marriage but are repeatedly being cheated on, I am not talking to you.  I am talking to the spouse that knows they have a good man/woman and knows God is in the midst of your union, but your marriage is at a stage where the honeymoon is over and it's time to pull up your sleeves and fight! Fight for your happiness, peace, joy, sex life, so forth and so on! Let me let you in on a little secret: are you ready to hear it: MARRIAGE IS A LOT OF FUN!! The way God designed it: the sex is designed to be amazing, the conversation is supposed to be amazing, the finances are supposed to be amazing, raising your children (though it's a LOT of hard work) is supposed to be AMAZING! If you are reading this and you are miserable and think divorce is a better option, YOU ARE WRONG! Truth is, every single one of us have flaws.  If you back out now, trust that the next spouse will have a million plus one flaws. Instead of complaining about your spouse, love them, pray for them, and pick your battles.  Everything is  not worth an argument. Ok so she's not a size 6 anymore...or he's not as muscular as he once was! Get in the gym together! Love each other through whatever challenges you are facing. Seek wise counsel (emphasis on wise) if you have to.  Wise counsel is not your bff, your mama, your daddy, your co-worker, and it CERTAINLY is not that girl or guy that has been flirting with you on the side. 

The power of your words are EVERYTHING!! They can make or break (up) your happy home. So stop complaining and begin to affirm your man/woman.  If they have flaws you don't like, don't constantly nag about it, open your mouth and affirm what it is you know you desire them to be! I could go on and on so stay tuned, I will have a part 2 on this subject.

Happy Affirming :)

Enough with the Drama

"An excellent wife who can find? She is far more precious than jewels. The heart of her husband trusts in her, and he will have no lack of gain.  She does him good, and not harm, all the days of her life." ~Proverbs 31:10-12 ESV

Recently, the word contentious popped into my spirit and although I am familiar with that word, I went to the dictionary to confirm what it meant. According to the Merriam-Webster Dictionary, the word contentious means likely to cause disagreement or argument. For years this was me. I wasn't just contentious, I had a contentious spirit. Can I be real?  I grew up around single-women who simply did not know how to be submissive.  Not that they were always contentious, but they simply did not know how to submit. Submit to what you may ask? Well, to be honest, submit to being a wife.  Being a wife (or a husband) is something that has to be learned.  It is something that takes time and effort.  And when you are contentious, constantly looking for an argument, constantly looking for a reason to complain or nag, you have to find out the root of why you are the way you are.  For me, as I stated before, I grew up around all women. My mother was single, my grandmother was single, my great-grandmother was single, and I did not see an example of how a woman is suppose to treat a man. 

So yes, while I was dating my husband, those flaws of "contentiousness" would surface, but he would look past it and we would go our separate ways since we were not living together.  However, when we married, that contentiousness came with a vengeance.  Now, he was not perfect, and neither is anyone's husband, but the question we need to ask is where is this contentious behavior coming from? Why am I nagging my spouse? Why am I always looking for an argument? Why do I always have to be right? For me: it took counseling, soul searching, and really dealing with why I was so angry. Part of it was because I did not know how to treat my husband and how to honor him, part of it was my young, immature attitude, and part of it was because my father was not present growing up, and I was angry. I was bitter inside. I had been abandoned.  But in order to be the wife I knew I wanted and needed to be, I had to deal with all the drama and stop making excuses and blaming everything on my husband.

So in closing, enough with the drama. Stop blaming your spouse for your bad behavior and seek out the root of why you are contentious.  It is so freeing to walk around knowing you don't have to be angry all the time.  Be free from this day forward.  After all, whom the Son sets free, is free indeed. (John 8: 36) The Amplified version says, "So if the Son liberates you [makes you free men], then you are really and unquestionably free." Did you hear that? That means you don't have to go around being a victim or a slave to your past. You can have peace knowing that you are the wife/husband God needs you to be for yourself and your spouse. Marriage is a journey, enjoy it!!

Toxic Love

You may ask how these two words even go together: toxic and love? At first glance, one may define toxic love as a dirty love or a love that has grown contaminated. But let's dig a little deeper.  According to the Merriam-Webster dictionary, the word toxic is defined as 1.Containing poisonous substances or 2. Exhibiting symptoms of infection or toxicosis. The word love is defined as a feeling of strong or constant affection for a person. Now according to the Bible (Yes I am a Christian/believer of Christ), 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 reads "Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.  Love never ends.... So what happens when the dictionary's definition of love and the Bible's definition of love are not properly displayed within a relationship, specifically a marital relationship?

I can remember having an extremely toxic love in the beginning years of my marriage.  Yes, we loved one another and yes we were excited about marriage, but when you have not rid yourselves of previous toxins, you bring them into your marriage inevitably causing them to contaminate the love you've developed with your spouse.  One may ask "Well, didn't you already possess these issues while in a relationship with your now spouse? You were dating so why are these toxins causing such an issue now that you are married?"  Great question!  When you marry your spouse, you become one flesh with them.  You literally become a part of their make-up, your souls are intertwined.  In other words, the baggage your spouse may possess, you now possess and vice versa.  If you have toxins that you have not rid yourself of (i.e. past relationships, your sexual past, infidelity/adultery, generational curses that have been passed down within your family, anger, jealousy, etc.) these things will absolutely seep into your marriage.  There is no secret to detoxifying your marriage. In fact, it is actually the total opposite.  You have to become completely naked with your spouse. I'm talking ADAM-AND-EVE-GARDEN-OF-EDEN NAKED!! In fact, that is the most effective way to detoxifying your love life.  Ridding yourself of any "skeletons" or "discretions" you may possess BEFORE you tie the knot is actually one of the greatest assets you can bring to the table prior to marriage.

Well what if I have some skeletons that I currently possess and have not told my spouse? My advice is to take them to the Lord first.  Seek His counsel on the matter.  From there, make the decision to be transparent, to be honest, and to know that detoxing yourself first will be one of the greatest, most freeing things you can do to better yourself and your marriage.