THEY CHEATED ON ME!!!!!!

So many of you have been waiting for us to address this topic. We wanted to be VERY sensitive so decided to blog about it....this go round.  There are so many of you out there that are suffering silently with this 10 letter word:  I-N-F-I-D-E-L-I-T-Y!!! So let's just dig right in.  First off, infidelity is running rampant not just in the African-American culture or the Caucasian culture or the Hispanic culture or the Asian culture: affairs, adultery, infidelity, or however you choose to phrase it is an epidemic in our world and society as a whole.  But let me add this disclaimer: THERE IS NOTHING NEW UNDER THE SUN!! So where today the term may be phrased "side chick", "side", "main chick", "side piece",  or "side kick"; decades ago it was simply termed "mistress".  The terms nor the label neither add or take away from the reality of the situation: your spouse is or has (at some point or another) cheated on you.  The dire question many of you are asking is: where do we go from here? If you have children, the question may be, "Do we stay together and make it work because we want to keep our family together?" or if your children are grown and out of the house, you may say "Well, they are grown. We have raised our children and they turned out great. It's time to say goodbye to this marriage." Or if you are married with no children, it may seem especially easy to walk away simply because there are no other lives involved and you can (so you feel) easily start over and begin a new life.

Now, all of these reasons may very well be valid reasons to leave. And if you are reading this and have already walked away from your marriage (which biblically you have the right according to Matthew 19:9-11 where Jesus says, "vs 9.And I tell you this, whoever divorces his wife and marries someone else commits adultery - unless his wife has been unfaithful. vs 10 Jesus' disciples then said to him, "If this is the case, it is better not to marry!" vs 11 "Not everyone can accept this statement," Jesus said. "Only those whom God helps.") I pray you find solace and healing in your decision and wish you God's absolute best moving forward.

But if you are the man or woman that has decided to stay (for various reasons) and fight for your marriage, let's dig a little deeper at your decision and how to heal and MOVE ON! There are a few very important things that you absolutely HAVE to do if you are working to heal your marriage and move on.

1. FORGIVE!!! - Forgiveness begins with a DECISION. Many of us think we have to feel a certain way before we can forgive our spouse. But the fact is, your mind is the master of every component of your life.  Many decisions we make in life (i.e. going back to school, getting married, having children, buying a car or home) all start with a thought.  Then the actions follow. You pick up the phone and call the admissions rep, you begin courting your future spouse, you have sex or get off of contraceptives in order to get pregnant, you begin car or house shopping. None of those things happen without you first thinking of them first. It is absolutely no different with forgiveness. If you have made the decision to stay, you have to now make the decision to forgive. You may still be hurting, angry, bitter, and down right resentful. But take the first step so that you can then begin the healing process and move forward to the next step in having a healed and prosperous marriage.

2.SEEK OUTSIDE HELP!!! - Now this may be tough for some because there are so many dynamics to your feelings, your embarrassment, your spouses feelings, etc. But in order to not only forgive but HEAL and seek wisdom for the dynamics of your situation (i.e. why your spouse cheated, what led to it, their internal feelings on the matter, how to move forward, etc) you are going to need some mediation. Don't allow pride, hurt, bitterness, and FEAR keep you from seeking Godly wisdom which could be a key component to salvaging your marriage. So many people suffer silently for years and are stuck in a horrible marriage because they are too prideful to seek help. 

3. WORK IT OUT!!! - When trust is lost in ANY relationship but especially a marriage, it can take months and sometimes YEARS to re-build. But if you and your spouse have decided to make it work, you have to WORK IT OUT. You must come up with a system and a plan to make sure this doesn't happen again. You need accountability partners (i.e. - a TRUSTWORTHY pastor, counselor, marriage coach, chaplain, etc). Someone you can go talk to when you are feeling guilty about your past, vulnerable, or even frustrated. You also need to REVERSE whatever got you to this point. So if you need to delete your social media accounts, change your email and phone numbers, heck, some of you may need to FIND A NEW JOB or request a transfer!! (many affairs start in the work place), DO IT!!!

4. PRAYER!!! - You are going to have to spend a lot of time in prayer and meditation on what it is you are feeling, experiencing, and expecting moving forward in regards to your marriage.  You are going to have to trust in the Lord with ALL your heart and lean not on your own understanding. Let Him heal your broken heart and give you a new one.  I promise you He will if you allow Him to have complete control.

5.AFFIRM!!! - This last one just may be one of my favorite steps!! YOU ARE GOING TO SPEAK LIFE BACK INTO YOUR MARRIAGE!!! Now, if you have experienced infidelity (emotional or sexual), an affair, or ANY form of adultery, 9.99999 times out of 10, your marriage has become lifeless and dull. But the great news is that YOU have the POWER to speak LIFE back into it.  It's now time to AFFIRM, AFFIRM, AFFIRM. Affirm your husband or wife, your marriage and what you expect to see RIGHT NOW in your marriage. Never mind your spouse has acted a plum fool, or you are upset beyond description, if you are still standing, there is life that needs to be spoken. Here's an assignment for you, grab a big piece of construction paper and write out every single thing you desire to have in your marriage. For example: "My husband's heart belongs to the Lord and he has eyes for only me." (I got that from Rev. Run btw lol) or "My wife is a queen and I will treat her as such" or "My spouse is the king/queen of my life and I am 100% devoted to her"

Do you see the pattern here? It does not matter what you SEE. You have the power to create what you desire. So, I hope these 5 steps bless you and we want to know of your progress so feel free to email us at marriagemaintenance@hotmail.com We love you and are always wishing you the best!

Ronnie and Shea

xo

P.S. - Step #5 is an EVERYDAY THING!! This is not just a here or there task. This is a continual process of what you MUST DO!! And do not negate these affirmations by speaking negatively in the heat of a confrontation!!